Life is not easy.
I have always wanted it to be. I had dreams as a kid of growing up, getting my degree, finding a great job, then a great guy and having a gaggle of great kids. We would live in a great house, in a place where the weather was never too cold, but would still have a little change of season. We would retire and travel the world, while our kids grew up to be great human beings and give us great little grandchildren.
Reality was never quite so great. (It’s not bad … don’t get me wrong, but it is certainly not … easy.)
I have struggled my whole life with feeling like I was less than everyone around me. Less smart, less attractive, less gifted, less fun, less everything. Obviously, a HUGE inferiority complex. I used to daydream and then write down, these scenarios of how I envisioned a perfect life. Like the one I mentioned above. That was really my goal in life, to find a way to a life that was easy to live in. Sometimes, it was easier to hide inside those dreams than to face the cold, hard reality.
My life did not turn out anything like that scenario I created. It took me a long time to meet a great guy. And while I love my husband with all of my heart, he isn’t always a Prince Charming. I am flawed. He is flawed. Just as I am certain there are things about me he would change in a heartbeat, I have a list of improvements for him. Ahh, if only marriage came with a magic wand! We met later in life (30’s) and had our one child later than I planned. So there is only one child, rather than gaggles. Our one child is phenomenal, but he is also flawed. We have a great house … but it is SO flawed. Every time I turn around, there is something new to be done. Days (like today) I am grateful that we do NOT have a gaggle of kids, as i can’t keep up with the cleaning of just one! We live in an area of the world which is far from perfect, and much to cold for my taste. However, it is where my husbands career currently has us and that career might ultimately result in us being able to retire and travel the world. Might. If keeping up the house doesn’t bankrupt us.
Life IS hard. But today, the sun is shining and the snow has melted and the daffodils have popped open and maybe, just maybe … spring has arrived.
My husband is flawed, but he gets me. He knows that I push myself too hard and that I hate to cry in front of people, including him. He knows that my dreams were always bigger than my reality and when that gets to be too much for me to bear, he shoulders some of the burden for me. He doesn’t do so great of a job at making me feel beautiful, but he makes me feel vital and needed and cherished … and really aren’t those much more important?
My son is flawed, but he is perfect, too. He is sunshine when he smiles. His laughter is like a hot air balloon, lifting all my sorrows away. At the most unexpected moments, he hugs me and tells me he loves me … and I know that he does. Even when we are fighting over whatever, or I am forcing him to stretch his brain in ways which he finds uncomfortable and scary, I still know that he loves me.
My house? *sigh* Well, it is and always will be, a work in progress. I keep sweeping away the dust bunnies and fixing/improving what I can, when I can. But it keeps us warm and dry in winter, it entertains people throughout the year. The land surrounding it provides us with food through the summer (and part of the winter, if my preserving was up to snuff). My neighbors are kind and helpful. It is a ton of work, but it is purposeful work, so even on the days it is hardest for me, I am still grateful for it.
My life did not turn out as I had mapped it. Some of the twists and turns off my intended path were of my own making, and some were most certainly divine intervention. However, even on my darkest days, I am
happy content with how it has ended up.
I needed reminding of this today. I needed a moment to count my blessings and reflect upon the good. Thanks for riding along with me.