The sun is finally shining. Living in the part of the country that I do, this is a very big deal. We’ve had a really hard winter, longer, colder, snowier than usual. It’s enough to make a person go under the covers and hide … which is, in fact, pretty much what I did.
I struggle with depression.
I especially struggle with depression in the long darkness of winter. Ever since I was a child, I could count on February as “the longest month of the year”, in spite of the number of days it actually holds on the calendar. When my son was born in February of 2002 I thought it would at least give me something to look forward to, something to keep me putting one foot in front of the other, as I trudged through that awful month.
We sill lived in sunny San Diego then.
Up here in what I
affectionately jokingly accurately (!) refer to as the “Frozen Tundra”, even on that joyful day it is difficult for me to climb out of my deep, dark place. For the first time, I was very honest with friends and family when they would ask me how I was.
“Frankly, I find it difficult to keep living right now. But, hey, thanks for asking.”
When they would laugh uncertainly I would tell them that I was very, very serious. Deciding to keep breathing, to keep walking, to keep doing was a moment by moment decision and, no, I am not going to kill myself, but yes, I think about it all the time. All. The. Time.
In our neck of the woods, the sun refused to shine this winter. It is always cold and snowy and icky. But at least we have days where the sky turns ice blue and the sun shines brightly, blinding as it bounces off crisp white snow. It is still cold as feck, but HEY! THE SUN IS SHINING!!!!! It’s enough to give you hope that it will come back again some day and share its warmth and happiness. This winter, there was very little hope to be offered in the consistently steel grey skies. I remember one day, one glorious day, where the sun did shine and I sat in my office chair, looking out the window at snow crystals falling from heaven, sparkling like diamonds in the sun as they added to the piles already landed on earth. it was magical. And just like magic, *POOF* … it was gone.
So, this winter was exceptionally difficult for me. I curled up in my chair with my laptop and played games. I wrote … not as much as I would like … but I did write. I wrote dark, horrible poetry, all filled with death and dying and hopelessness. My book character is at a difficult time in her life and I am certain those passages are darker than I intended (editing needed!!). I worked out, but not as much as before. Walks with my pup were few and far between. I worked to control my diet issues (severe gluten intolerance, diverticulitis), but not for losing weight purposes. I was simply trying to figure out what I can and can not eat in order to heal my insides.
Now today, the sun is finally shining. I finally feel as if I have my insides healed (mentally and physically). My pooch and I are walking every day again and I am starting to feel a bit like my old self. I am incredibly grateful for my old friend, the sun, and hope that he chooses to stick around a LOT this summer.
I am looking forward to the happy and healthy side of my creativity to show its face.