Willful Disobedience

Thou Shall Not

Possibly you remember that on December 15th I wrote a whole lot about my crappy intestines and how their crappiness keeps me on the straight and narrow, for the most part.  I think it is time that I introduce you to me.

Hi, my name is Christina and I willfully and woefully ignore all the rules my body has set before me and act out repeatedly in ways which will detrimentally affect my health.  I am waving hello to you from my hospital bed.

On Thursday (December 18th) after my weekly visit with Coach Dom and the boxing bags and kettlebells, I had a string of Christmas errands to run.  I was hungry and knew that I needed to get some lunch, however I did not have any of my favorite homemade salad dressing on hand and, really – eating salad while running errands is not an easy feat.  I weighed my options, which are few and far between if you do not wish to sit down in a restaurant and determined that, seeing as my intestines were already iffy and diarrhea was a daily occurrence anyway … a Subway Turkey Flat Bread sandwich would be OK.  Alright, not really OK, but better than a burger, right?  And it is the least breadiest of the sandwiches … and lower calorie.  It’s Subway for God’s sake … choice of athletes everywhere!

My pain continued as it had been. Then on Friday (December 19th) it started to escalate.  By Friday evening it was completely beyond control.  I slept not a wink and arose Saturday morning, showered, then told my husband we needed to head to the hospital.  Sure enough, Diverticulitis brought upon by complications from Celiac .

(The above was written from the hospital, I am now home.)

Willful Disobedience.  Deliberately choosing to undermine my own success.  Self-inflicted pain.  Choosing to do the VERY THING which causes me pain or distress.

In other words, I AM AN IDIOT.

Idiot

Good question.

I think it has a lot to do with denial.  I do not want to admit that this is a forever adjustment to my life.  I want to live like I used to, enjoy anything I wish and just be like everyone else.  I don’t want to say “no” to a pint at the pub because my intestines will object.  I don’t want to plan every meal in advance in order that I will not be stuck somewhere, hungry, and without a gluten free option.  I want life to go back to the way it was.

However, I will never be able to and I guess it is time I accept it.  No more being frivolous with my health.  Let me say this in no uncertain terms … I NEVER want to be in pain like that again.

I have 4 different prescriptions to finish out, an appointments to be scheduled with a gastroenterologist and even more limitations on my life than I had before.  And on my pocket book as specialists are expensive, even with insurance.  I can’t drive until I am off the painkillers … and I won’t be off those for at least another day.  I can’t even stand up straight.  I can’t eat.  Well, I can as long as it is clear liquid but I have no appetite.  Trying to sip broth and tea as I was already energy depleted from the lack of nutrients making their way into my system.  Standing for more than 5 minutes renders my lightheaded and useless right now.

I had made a decision prior to this that I was going to make a New Year’s resolution to be completely clean and diet perfect for 360 days in 2015.  There was to be a big blog post and everything.  I chose 360 because being completely clean means no alcohol at all and I would like the option to enjoy a drink or 2 on St. Patrick’s day, my birthday and maybe some other celebratory events.  That may not be an option any longer, but I will know more later.  Regardless, I will be moving forward with the clean eating and blog writing plans. Planning out my weeks meals, prep cooking for the week and carrying my food with me anytime I will be out of the house at meal times.  Absolutely ZERO fast food events.  Even the very best options (Wendy’s Chili comes to mind) are simply not going to be allowed.

no fast food

One year … and at the end of it, maybe there will be significant improvement in my gut, my health and my weight.  It is simply time to grow up and take care of myself.  I can NOT continue to purposefully destroy my body.  That has to end now.

2 thoughts on “Willful Disobedience

  1. Have you tried enzymes? Autoimmune disorders (like Celiac disease) can cause you to have low hydrochloric acid in your belly. I had chronic diarrhea for almost 2 years, but I can say now that enzymes have saved my life! It took a few weeks of using betaine pepsin, but almost all of the diarrhea is gone! I feel like a different person!

    Good luck to you on your journey,
    C

    • I have not. Betaine Pepsin? I will look in to that! And talk to the gut doc when I see him. I do take pro-biotics in effort to replace the good things that get wiped out by antibiotics, but have not heard anything of these specific enzymes. Thanks for the heads up and I will check into it!

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