“Oh … everything is OK … as long as it is in moderation …” with the sidelong glance, the one your mother used to give you when she was trying to tell you something without actually saying the words. This from the person you just attempted to explain just a little bit of the weight loss challenge you have joined starting next week. (OMG!)
There’s always one. One person who knows more than you do, who has been in your shoes and done it (whatever “it” is) better. Who just knows that their way is THE right way, and that you trying to do something different, well … now, that’s just a little extreme, isn’t it? I mean MODERATION is the key, after all.
I SUCK AT MODERATION.
I am an all or nothing kind of girl. If I go halfway and stop, I turn around and come back. I have to have all my cylinders gunning hard in the same direction, with single minded focus, obstacle no where in sight because there is a GOAL… and that is all I can see.
I can’t eat one bite of cake and turn it away. I can’t have one beer, I can’t smoke one cigarette. I can’t workout and not diet. I can’t diet and not workout. This moderation dance? I’ve tried it. I have bought into it, full of hope and gladness that I can indeed have a treat every now and again. And every single time I have fallen off the wagon, cheerfully rolling around in gleeful gluttony ,,, rather like a pig in mud. I simply can’t do moderation
I have so much work to do. I tried explaining just a little of what my plan is last night to a friend who wants to lose her terrible 20 lbs. She didn’t really listen to me, which is OK. She definitely knows more than I do about fitness. (Read that line dripping with sarcasm, please.) When I started to explain just a little, I saw that look, the look that stops me from talking about my weight loss plans. The look that says “Yeah, you are going to fail again, but I will smile and nod indulgently at you, then tell you how that plan is just wrong.” This time though, instead of shutting my mouth and smiling and nodding, this time I stood up for myself, just a little. I looked at her, smiled indulgently and said:
“You have never known me focused. You have no idea what I am capable of.”
It’s a sentence I need to say to myself every day. I need to remind myself that this sentence, this is exactly who I am. It’s not who I have been. It is the me that is hidden beneath months and years of depression and disappointment. Two very evil “D’s”. I am going to free myself from them with two other “D’s” … Discipline and Dedication.
I am nervous about this challenge, it is out of my comfort zone. But I am also excited about it. I am ready to get back to routine. To Discipline. I am ready to prove to myself and to anyone else that might be watching, listening or reading … that I suck at moderation … and therefore I am going to destroy this challenge.